CHANGE OF LIFE - Chapter 3

I arrived at the station a couple hours before the time of departure. I retrieved my suitcase from the locker and sat on one of the benches. In a little notebook, I wrote down what I had spent so far. Then I made a to-do list for when I arrived in Chicago.

After an hour, a woman of about my age sat down on the same bench.

“Hello, my name is Dolores. I’m going to Chicago. Is that where you’re going?”

“My name is Mildred. Yes, I’m going to Chicago. I came to Memphis to visit my grandchildren. They grow up so quickly. One of them is eight years old now, the other is six. They are both in school. The last time that I saw them, the oldest was just starting school. I wish they would come to see me some time, but I guess that I wouldn’t have room for them in my studio apartment. Why are you going to Chicago?”

“I’ve never been to Chicago. I know it is a big city. I grew up in a big city, Baltimore, but I’ve lived in a small town for the last twenty-five years. I want to start a new life. I want to find out what I am worth as a person. I guess that is a strange statement.”

“Do you have children?”

“No. That is part of the problem. When we couldn’t have children, my husband sort of turned on me. It got worse over the years. All the time that I was growing up my mother criticized or made fun of everything I said or did. I got married partly to get away from that. After five years of marriage my husband started the same pattern my mother followed. At first I didn’t pay much attention to it. I was used to it. Over the years it became intolerable. Yesterday morning, I snapped. I walked away. I know that I have to go far, and be careful, or else my husband will find me. He’s a police detective.”

“Well, I can’t say that I understand. My husband was good to me. I hope it was for more reasons than the fact that I gave him children. He never missed a day in telling me that he loved me. Whenever I did something for him, he would thank me. He always noticed when I did something around the house, or if I changed my hair, or was wearing new shoes. What a wonderful man he was!  He’s been gone five years now. He died suddenly of an aneurysm in his brain. Just dropped dead at work. It hasn’t been easy for me, but I’ve managed somehow.”

“I’m sorry about your loss. He sounds like a model husband. I really would appreciate it, if you could tell me neighborhoods or sections of the city where I could find a room to rent. I don’t have much money. I’ll have to try to find a job. Before I can go job-hunting, I need an address for applications and forms. I also need to find a used clothing store or a church with a clothes closet.”

Mildred gave me some suggestions, which I wrote in my notebook. About then, the first call to board the train was given. Mildred was riding in a coach, so we were separated. I went on down the platform to my sleeper car, and I was helped aboard by the steward. I had to climb narrow metal stairs to the second level of the car. The steward carried my suitcase for me, and showed me to my roomette.

I was glad to see that the bed was already made up. I closed the folding curtain and began to undress. I put my stockings and underwear in the small sink in the roomette to wash them. I’ll hang them up to dry during the night. When I had washed these things, I washed myself as well as I could in a small sink and crowded roomette. Then I crawled into the bed and looked forward to getting a good night’s sleep.

The bed was comfortable and the motion of the train was like being rocked in a cradle. However, I didn’t go to sleep right away. I began to think about how Willard and I met, became boy friend – girl friend, and eventually were married.

Willard came to Ravenwood High School in our senior year. He had to take a few classes with the junior class, but the rest of his classes were with seniors. He was in my English class and my chemistry class. He was disliked by most of the guys and all of the girls. He was so smart. It seemed like he always knew the answers. He had read so many books; he carried on conversations with the English teacher that none of the rest of the class could follow.

He was a hillbilly. He and his family came from West Virginia. People from Baltimore did not like people from West Virginia. Some of the kids looked down on him, because his clothes were shabby. Even I made hateful remarks to him, maybe to stay in good with my friends.

One day, just after English class, he came up to me and said, “Could I speak privately to you for just a few minutes?”  

I was embarrassed.

“I guess so.”

“I have been attracted to you since I started coming to school here. I know you probably don’t think very much of me. I would like to take you to the movies, and then get something to eat afterwards. Maybe after you get to know me better, you’ll find some things about me to like.”

“I don’t know. Let me think about it.”

“Could I have your phone number. I’ll call you tomorrow night a little after 10 PM. I hope that isn’t too late, but I work until 10.”

I gave him my phone number, talked things over with my mother, and when he called, I told him I would go out with him. We continued talking for almost an hour that night. Willard was the first boy to ask me out on a date. In junior high school I was too shy. By the time I was in high school I had acne on my face. Several times I asked my mother to take me to a dermatologist. She always said that she couldn’t afford it, and all I had to do was keep washing my face good with soap and water.

Willard didn’t take me to the local cinema. He took me into downtown Baltimore where they were showing a first run film, The Blues Brothers. We were both nervous, and the film was so funny that we laughed time and again. I was so happy. I took his hand while we were in the theatre. He looked over and smiled.

I thought that he would take me to a hamburger joint, but he took me to Maria’s, a restaurant in Little Italy. He held the chair for me. When Maria saw that, she walked over to the table, hugged me, and whispered, “Honey, he’s a keeper.”

Willard didn’t have a car. We had to go places on the city transit bus. He took me to museums, art galleries, concerts. He acted like I was as smart as he was. He never talked down to me. Every time that we went out, he would find something about my appearance to compliment. He was so different from my mother. She was always criticizing me, making fun of what I said. I couldn’t say anything good about Willard.

“He only wants one thing. When he gets it, it will be ‘Bye-bye Dolores.’”

When my mother told my father that she was pregnant, he left her. She never heard from him again. She had a hard time, but she raised me on her own. The hard life made her bitter. Maybe she resented me because I was the responsibility that kept her nose to the grindstone all her life. When she was no older than I am now, she looked ten years older. After I was gone from the home, I thought that she might be happier, but it seemed like she had lost her purpose in living. She was only sixty years old when she died of a fast moving cancer.

We dated steadily throughout our senior year. I couldn’t afford a class ring, but the day Willard received his class ring, he put it on my finger.

Senior Prom was on the horizon. He couldn’t dance and wanted me to teach him. I told him that I couldn’t go because I didn’t have a gown. He said we would work that out when the time came. One week night each week, depending on his work schedule, Willard came to my house and we practiced dancing in the living room. When he held me in his arms, I felt like I was in heaven.

One night when he came over for dancing, he asked, “Will you be my date for the Senior Prom?”

“You know that I told you I don’t have a gown. I can’t get a gown.”

“I’ve got that worked out. My boss, Dr. Levin, is Jewish. At his synagogue, the young women’s organization has a project each year. They loan gowns to girls for their prom. I’ll take you there this Saturday. The young women will let you pick out a gown. Then they have a seamstress there who will measure you for alterations. They will have you try on shoes until you find a pair that fits you. We’ll go back the following Saturday. The gown will be altered and the shoes dyed to match the gown. We tell them the date of the prom, and they will tell us what date to return the gown and shoes to them. Now. Will you be my date to the Senior Prom?”

“Yes, Will, I will.”

The Senior Prom was a magical moment in my life. Willard had rented a tuxedo. He brought me a beautiful corsage that matched my gown. At the Prom, we had our picture taken together. I still have that picture. Going on dates with Willard had brought about a tremendous change in my appearance. I was happy and smiling more and more. I began to see the good things in me that he was always praising. The acne began to go away. By the night of the Prom, I was one of the most beautiful girls there, if I do say so myself. 

With Prom over, final exams and Graduation were only weeks away. My mother shocked me one night.

“I don’t know if you and your boy friend have been having sex. If not, this would be a good time to start. School will be over with soon. I’m hoping that you will be moving out sometime this summer. I have been supporting you for eighteen years. You haven’t had everything you wanted, but you have had everything you needed. Now it is time to start supporting yourself. You can get a job and an apartment, or you can get married. It is up to you. Start making plans now.”

I told Willard what my mother said.

“Being pressured by your mother is not a good reason to get married, or to bring a baby into the world. As for sex. You were a virgin when I met you, and I’m not going to take that away from you. That is a precious gift to bring to your husband on your wedding night. We have had fun fooling around, and I am satisfied with keeping the boundaries we decided on.

“I’m going to try to get a job this summer. I am already committed to going into the Army in September. I’ll be in the Army for three years. I hope that you will write to me. If I get any leaves, I will be looking for you. If they send me overseas, I will probably be gone for two years. I don’t have the right to ask you to wait for me, although I hope that you will. During this summer, if you can find a job, and an apartment or a room to rent, I will help you get started.”

I found a job and a tiny apartment. Willard came to see me on leave. Then he was sent overseas to Germany for two years. He wrote to me a couple times a week and I wrote to him. I was often invited to a date, or to a party, but I went to work, went to the library, went to museums and art galleries, and waited for Willard. As Maria had said, “He’s a keeper.”

When Will came out of the Army, he came to me with an engagement ring in his pocket. I said, “Yes” and we went to City Hall for our license. We were married in the military chapel at Ft. Meade where Will was sent for discharge processing. After he was discharged, he started looking for a job as a policeman. He had been in the Military Police in the Army. That is how we came to live in a small town in southern Arkansas.

At that point in my reverie, I fell asleep.