At Camp Dawson that
Friday night Nathaniel was alone in the trailer that would be his billets for
the next several weeks. He was having a real crisis of identity. He no longer
knew for sure who he was or who he wanted to be. After ten years in the Army
Special Forces, he had become hardened to people. They were two groups - either
they were fighting alongside of him or they were the enemy. Three tours of duty
“in the sandbox”, Iraq and Afghanistan, had made him suspicious and
uncomfortable around civilians. The only people he trusted were the men in his
unit. He had heard of instances when Iraqis or Afghanis dressed in the uniforms
of their army or police turned their weapons on American military personnel. He
had developed a “them and us” attitude. Moreover, several years of
unconventional warfare had destroyed his confidence in his own moral behavior
or the ability of others to act in a just and ethical way.
Being around his
father and being around his new friend Joy made him realize that there are
people outside his unit whom he could trust. Being with Joy and her children
was making him question if he wanted to continue being a soldier. That was
another part of his identity crisis.
Still another part
was the nightmares and dreams. He had to keep them secret because they could
cause him to be put out of Special Forces and into some “Wounded Warrior” unit
going back and forth to medical appointments, counseling sessions, and
supervising other, lower ranking, wounded warriors while they policed the
company area or set up chairs for a concert. Maybe it would just straighten
itself out. If , however, he had to go back over there for another tour, he
didn’t think he would ever get straightened out.
Tomorrow evening the
troops would be arriving. They would be worn out. They would leave their
armories early in the morning, ride in trucks and on buses to Biggs Army
Airfield where they would board a chartered aircraft or maybe a military plane
and fly to Morgantown, West Virginia. From there they would ride on buses to
Camp Dawson. When they arrived, they would be issued tents, winter sleeping
bags, and meals ready to eat for tonight and tomorrow.
Nathaniel knew that
he would be out there among the troops eating ready to eats, putting up a tent,
and sleeping in a sleeping bag. He would have to do those things when they went
out in the field. Over two weeks he would be with them in the winter cold,
clambering up stone strewn slopes, perched on rocky ledges, listening for the
sounds of another group playing “infiltrators”. Every other time it had been
fun to him. He had taken pride in the training he had given. Now he was
dreading it.
On Sunday the troops
were issued gear and equipment. Tomorrow the various platoons would go out
either as Red Team or Blue Team warriors. The company commanders and first
lieutenants of the six Texas Army National Guard Special Forces units had been
assigned as staff of Red Team or Blue Team roughly by rank and time in grade.
The commander of Blue Team was senior of all the unit commanders and he had
served a tour in Bosnia and a tour in Iraq. The second and third unit
commanders in terms of seniority had not served in any theater of war so they
were passed over. The commander fourth in seniority had served a tour in Iraq
and one Afghanistan. He was appointed commander of Red Team. Nathaniel watched
the first sergeants in the six units when the troops arrived, and when they
were setting up last evening. He walked over to two of them pointed to the
newly minted staff officers and said quietly, “You are the Blue Team sergeant
major and you are the Red Team sergeant major.” The six units varied in
strength. He was able to pick three units for Blue Team and three units for Red
Team whose combined strengths were nearly equal.
Nathaniel walked over
to the group of officers with two large envelopes. Each one contained maps,
initial tactical locations, bumper numbers of the vehicles assigned to them,
and the location of fuel and supply dumps for their Team.
“You have one-half
hour to study the contents of those envelopes, divide responsibilities, and
move your men out of this area. Any contact with local civilians is to be
respectful but wary. Nothing in the rules says the other Team can’t dress up in
civilian clothes and use civilian vehicles. Just pay for what you use! This
isn’t Afghanistan.”
He walked over to the
large body of troops and told them,
“Smoke them if you
have them. If you have a cell phone, get rid of it now. Any cell phone taken to
the field must be destroyed completely and immediately by anyone who sees it.
The enemy can track you by the emissions from your cell phone. Get rid of them
now. In less than half an hour those two temporary sergeant majors are going to
come over here and start barking orders to the three units assigned to them.”
He walked away and
went to the Humvee assigned to him. He had it loaded with his field gear plus a
number of pyrotechnics and other training devices such as trip flares, mock
claymore mines, and sound effects such as recordings of incoming rounds,
machine gun fire, people talking in a foreign language and laughing. His job
was to terrorize them, to infiltrate, wake everyone up, and disappear. That was
his night time work.
During the day he was
grading the officers on the performance of their men. They were out there in
the cold and rain or snow for two weeks. The other Team might find their food
and fuel cache and steal it or destroy it. They would still have to stay out in
the field and manage however they could. Nathaniel was the only one who knew
where the initial tactical positions of both Teams were. He was the only one
who knew where both of the food and fuel locations were. If he found one
unguarded, he might destroy it himself!
Nathaniel settled
into a one man campaign of harassing both Blue Team and Red Team. He did all
this at night. He would sneak up from behind the guard on duty, clamp his hand
over his mouth, throw the guard’s rifle over his shoulder, tie his hands behind
his back, gag him, and then start setting off cherry bombs, or stink bombs, or
screaming rockets. The whole squad would be awakened and about that time the
guard would run into camp with his hands tied behind his back and without his
weapon.
He was always looking
for their food and fuel caches. If they were guarded, he left them undisturbed.
If they were unguarded, he would steal from them.
The more involved he
became, the more it started to become a replay of Afghanistan. He was working
during the day with the two Team staffs – scoring, critiquing, and advising. He
would get some sleep from supper until the middle of the night. As the days
went on, he became seriously sleep deprived.
One night, as he was
setting off rockets over one squad’s tactical position, he fell to the ground
on his knees and was rocking back and forth, screaming and crying,
“Make them stop. Make
them stop it.” then “Incoming, take cover.” and “Shoot, man, kill those
ragheads. What are you waiting for?”
At first the soldiers thought it was another
tactic. Eventually, the first lieutenant who was out in the field with them,
recognized that something was wrong. He took Sergeant Nathaniel Sterner back to
the staff position for Red Team. The Captain had seen this reaction to combat
when he was in Iraq. He called for the medic.
“Do you think that we
need to take this man to the local hospital?”
“Let’s take him to
his trailer, put him to bed, and I’ll give him a shot of tranquilizer. Have a
man go with me to stay with him and call me if he needs help. If we take him to
the hospital, the paperwork is liable to ruin his career.”
The next morning
after Nathaniel was awake, the Captain who was Red Team commander came to
Nathaniel’s trailer.
“You are confined to
this trailer for the remainder of our time here. The medic will give you
tranquilizer pills and you WILL take them. If you don’t, I can’t guarantee that
you won’t have another episode as severe or more severe.
“I want you to relax
and sleep the rest of the time you are here. If you do, I won’t write any of
this up. When you get back to Texas, I want you to voluntarily go to your
commanding officer and tell him that you want out of Special Forces, that you
want to be reassigned to some other branch. Tell him about this episode, any
other episodes, nightmares, or any other symptoms. If you are straight up with
him, he’ll respect it, and you will probably be able to remain on active duty.
Whether he does or does not allow you to stay on active duty, you need help. As
long as you deny it, the more chance that you will hurt yourself or someone
else.”
“Yes, sir”
For the next week
Nathaniel took his pills, and did a lot of sleeping and dozing. He tried to
write a letter to Joy, but the words just wouldn’t come. In the end he just
started packing and waited for the day to leave. That day came several days
later. He boarded the bus with the other men, went to the airport, and they
flew back to Texas.
Nathaniel didn’t call
Joy when he returned to his quarters at Ft. Bliss.
The next day he
called his commanding officer, COL Reisner at Ft. Bragg, North Carolina.
“Colonel Reisner,
this is Sergeant First Class Nathaniel Sterner. I am on detached duty at Ft.
Bliss, Texas assigned to the Texas Army National Guard Special Forces units as
advisor. I am calling to request reassignment out of Special Forces. The units
I am assigned to have just returned from Camp Dawson. I was there with them
training them. One night when I was in the field setting up harassment
activities, I went to pieces. They had to transport me from the field to the
staff position of Red Team. They called for the medic. He gave me a shot. The
rest of the time I was told to remain in my trailer. The medic looked in on me
every day and kept me on tranquilizer pills. The Red Team commander said that he
would not put it in his report if I would voluntarily ask for a transfer out of
Special Forces.”
“Good man! Okay,
Sergeant Sterner, I will have my office cut orders transferring you back here.
I want our own people to have a look at you, and have some input on the best
course of action. Do you have any leave on the books?”
“Yes, sir, forty-two
days.”
“Good. I will
authorize thirty days delay enroute. That way you can celebrate Christmas and
New Year’s before reporting here for duty.”
“Thank you, sir.”
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